*Hug*Pat*Caress* Myself

Convivial Jovial Carnival (Citrawarna Za'ba) has finally ended after seven solid months of preparation for this six long event, no words can describe my feeling now. The feeling is exactly the same as one year ago when I totally felt OKAY, no tears, not touched, not emotional on the moment MKC ended. One, is maybe because I am a darn optimistic/positive person that no boundaries or downfall can drag me down. Two, is maybe because I do take this task willingly despite feeling extremely reluctant and indignant. Three, is maybe because throughout the whole seven months, I did received great co-operation from various party be it a CZ member or not.

Which ever it is, I am happy that everything has gone smoothly during carnival. Handling CZ is not as difficult in retrospect. If only I have a cameo or a person diary with me, I hope I recorded all the sweat and tears during the past seven months.

As a flash back, 

#1 I remember how pale and anxious I was waiting for the killing announcement of the new JTK board members, two weeks after MHS. Despite prior prediction that I would be the President for JKP ADIN, I was too, unhappy and shocked of such circumstances. My main objective of being a PM is to learn about the administration of college to ease my path to execute my most passionate environmental awareness programs. However, things are always not beautiful as we always thought. I ended up being appointed as the Director of Citrawarna Za'ba. Something in contrary that I detest and uninterested. 

#2 Totally clueless and aimless when I know CZ would be dominating my time and that I slowly felt that I would fail to accomplish more in my environmental effort, not forgetting academics which has crept to be tougher.

#3 Multitasking, versatile and capable are skills I had developed thanks to CZ again. Juggling with CZ, UMCARES, NVG, POPBL, BAYER, are certainly not within everyone's capacity. But hey, I have managed to go through it once again after the excruciating PM training and MHS week. I remember how I was always absent in the room, only be back at night, feeling drained, fatigue, bacteria-full, sleepy that I ended up sleeping on the floor with laptop bag as pillow. I could not even bother to at least brush my teeth, pee, needless to say bath. All I wanted was to sleep and start afresh the next day. I guessed through out the seven days period, I had practiced such for five or more nights.

#4 I recalled how nervous and awkward I was speaking as the director to all my colleagues who mostly are my good friends and roommates; MT juniors who previously looked me as happy-go-lucky BSS PM MJay; to all seniors CZ members on our missions and visions, my hopes and expectation from them; to all first year juniors who gave me great attendance but only to dwindle as seven months almost reached. 

#5 I recalled how mess up it was in the meetings I conducted initially. I can't help seeing my own weakness - indecisive.

#6 I recalled how pathetic and desperate I was searching everywhere for candidates to be the board members until I recalled that the candidates I found was of low vintage and I regret on my mistakes whenever I saw no initiative, engagement and efforts from them. 

#7 I recalled how I constantly unfolded my own weaknesses: indecisive; weak in commanding people below my position; easily being affected by external factors like typical comments and opinions, weather, people's behaviour despite no words utter; too stereotypical; over-loving to colleagues that they dare to take me for granted and stepped over me; had too much fear and felt introspective in petty little things; hesitated and easily felt guilty even to just asked for mere help.

#8 I recalled how hardworking and earnest I was in reading The Star weekly guide for leadership, self-improvement etc. I always tried my best to apply it in my team only to wake up from my illusion when a senior told me that it is inapplicable if your team is not off an ideal team. True. 

#9 I recalled how much hesitation I carried on shoulder whenever I tried to go beyond boundaries by including lots of new elements: goalball, OKU forum; big eater. All these need tonnes of courage to implement by judging on lots of our limitation particularly the manpower. But we did it. 

#10 I recalled how I was in dismay when some of the problems emerged particularly when the events were already at stake: the uncertainties of Hao Ge presence; the unknown solution and risks after purchasing the 9 x 4.5m long tikar getah; the uncertainties and last minute to obtain lorry from JPPHB; the cancellation of Teh Tarik King; the low manpower for Goalball, Big Eater and Funfair Game setup; the unpredictable weather; the low cooperation and commitment for 1Msia Nite; the bad comments on the Chinese-dominated booth; the last minute publicity effort; the weak management due to low experience by the protokol.

The focus would now change to self-complimentary and self-appreciation:

#1 I am creative in brainstorming for programs in CZ.
#2 I am kind and greatly aware on the needs from all parties.
#3 I am brave and daring to try something new particularly the involvement of OKU residents.
#4 I am fair and just to all members.
#5 I am steady in giving speech.
#6 I have great problem solving skills.
#7 I am able to conduct a meeting well.
#8 I am patient in explaining and handling documentation.
#9 I have numerous friends (refined ones) who did not have second thoughts to help me.
#10 I am good in handling relationship.
#11 I am fun, jovial, optimistic though mischievous at times.

#12 I am as hardworking and strong as a bull that giving up is never in my dictionary.

#13 I am persevere and determined.
#14 I am rational.
#15 I am a multi-tasker.
#16 I am friendly and helpful to juniors and others.


I officially signed off as the Director of Citrawarna Za'ba 2012/2013. Hope the next generation is able to come out with more innovative idea to suit the current fast pacing world.