A Brand New Leaf

My hands trembled. My face was as white as a paper. My mouth was akin to a floor nozel of a vacuum cleaner, trying to suck air vigorously in preparation for any fight and flight situation. My eyes glared incredulously. Tears began to well in my small round eyes. “Is it true?,” I demanded myself for an answer.
I stepped out my bed of my bed and staggered my way to the bathroom, splattered as much water as possible on my face to clear the turmoil in my mind.

Time is fast forwarded.

11th March 2010. As dad ‘s car whizzed along the congested highway I received a short message sent by Elena that left me in a state of bewilderment.
“ She Mei, you’ve got straight a!!! congrats man!! “
Happy should I or sad should I? It did not come true. Déjà vu always emerges in my dreams without fail especially when any of my siblings including me is about to be splashed with the results of our hard works in major academic examinations.
In my bygone dreams, I foresaw my brother obtained 6As 1B for his PMR in 2005, 7As in hand for my PMR examination in 2007 and 6As 3Bs for my SPM examination two months ago.

Before reaching school, I kept myself positive by consoling myself that everything will be pleasant as long as I did not have any B. However, upon knowing thee actual result, my joy and hope shattered into million pieces, all caused by my own immaturity, egoism, and over-confidence. I thought I can prove it to my teachers, my abilities that are not shown during classes. I thought I can prove it to my family that their youngest daughter can do it. And I thought that the cause of my misfortune is because of punishment form God for my notorious behaviours.
Avarice, is something every each of God creation’s nature. Despite having all As and vow to be grateful as long as there is no B, the flame of greed and dissatisfaction in my heart is still unable to be extinguished. The devastation feeling that is so mind-blogging poked so deeply in my heart that blood of bitterness oozes out profusely. No one have the remedy but me. My favourite subjects are also the most effort I have harvested still do not bear any fruit. For the past few days, I had been crying very hard and kept asking God for an answer.

Finally, I begin to re-mould the broken pieces of joy and hope, an indication that I have found the gleaming golden seashell camouflaged in a sea of squalid brownish-yellow and ebony sand. In fact, the seashell can be found easily if only I opened up my mind earlier. What is trying to be conveyed to me is,

RATIONALITY. “Do what you should do and not what you want to do. Although high discipline is needed in doing so, ultimately the results will be something pleasant”. Quoted by Derrick Yee. I think he is absolutely right. In my English paper, I should have done section B-continuous writing first instead of section A-directed writing as points are already given. However, what have been done, is done. Most importantly I need to look ahead of what is waiting for me, learn and remember the lesson of my failure and never repeat it ever again. I need to think twice before I open each of my step, before I utter a single word, before I make any irrelevant conclusion. Emotion and immaturity must not grasp my judgement. All these elements play pivotal role in nurturing a great leader. Wise, rational and decisive.

CALMNESS. Whenever I gaze at the big eyes featured in an almond shaped face, not forgetting the wide gap between his two eyebrows, the similar expression will be reflected on and on. The level of steadiness laid in his mentality can never be denied but envied. This attitude of his has carried him further and further, closer and closer to the door of excellence. Therefore, such quality needs to be adopted by me as I can get in a bundle of nerves easily. Ultimately, it will ruin everything that I do. So, remaining unpertubed can keep rationality in safe.

OPTIMISM. They radiates joy and fun effortlessly whenever they go. They keep everything positive in the mind and also does not get anxious easily especially when it comes to examinations. The chillaxness in her is undeniably impressive. I reckon I work much more harder than them. However, the positive outcomes are always on their side. Sometimes I ponder why they could always be lucky. I labeled them fluke. However, I realised I was wrong after reading an article by DZOF Azmi. I n her article, she emphasized that the presence of luck in an individual is determined by how optimistic, how positive they are. In short, a person will be luckier if they are optimistic. As I read that article, every each of the quality mentioned is reflected on my friends, A and B. I can still recall vividly that they hardly work hard for a subject in an examination but the optimism always got the through which I think they are a fluke all the time! I am wrong and I need to alter all the stupid negative thinking that have dragged me down all this while into a brand new established positive thinking.
I will change my skeptical perception of optimism into something I will hold on till my last breath.