#study week#

Kind of like suck to be me right now. Went for a morning walk with Mum this morning and after that I collapsed back on to my bed for about two and a half hours. Woke up and felt unproductive as well when I was only able to study three lectures. My mind was really very distracted with my own flaws. I could not stop thinking about my attitudes during the waste presentation day. I could not stop thinking about Hui Ni, how I hoped I could turn back the time to correct my mistakes. Am I being too hard on myself? Am I being too perfectionist that I blame myself too much for committing a fault?

I am too disappointed on myself after realizing that all this while I am not being true to myself. I know deep in my heart I love environment, but I am ashamed/embarrassed/not feeling proud to admit myself as an environmentalist. Mostly because I do not want people to label me as one of the environment stereotypical person. I am not being true to myself enough when I choose not to believe what I believe. I am living in what people tell me to live. Sister and Mum always teach me to be more selfish to protect myself. Truth is, I still do not know when and how should I be one. I often get into the wrong track. Furthermore, I am unable to grasp on my own principle. I do not belief strongly in my own principle. I often get rocked by some other people’s words. I have learned my lesson. I vow to myself that I want to live my own life. I want to live my own life. Be who I am and I am who I am. Yes, I just want to be who I am, regardless of how people will think of me. No matter how people would say on my back that I am a fool, how much I would loss if I continue to give, that would only be their says, and I’ll make sure I follow my instinct on what’s right and what’s wrong.

Secondly I hate myself now for shirking responsibility. Am I actually doing that? I feel bad choosing to leave college, because I know by heart that I am making this decision because I have choose to give up, and that makes me feels bad. All my heart work for organic farming was motivated by BYEE. However, I had magnified the petty matter that Mr Nizam was the current fellow advisor. Besides, not able to join BYEE also prevented me from having a reason to continue. It was rooted from my low passion for organic farming actually. In addition, I had fear. I was not being bold enough as a leader to take a step to try on something different and taking risk. I knew the fact that after being Director of CZ, I understood the hardship of garnering main power no matter how great your project was. In addition, I was also being coward to go through hardship particularly with the status that UMCARES in KK7 was not being well-established.

I know I know, and I have seen it through all my current flaw. I could still make a turn back I believe, which is by reapplying to stay in college. But the thing is, is there really such a need? I believe that if I still intend to make a change, there are many means. When there is a will, there is a way.

Another vows I would like to make today::

1)  Being proactive to help out the juniors despite my absence in college.

2)  I am not going to stop my dream man, seriously no way I am going to be infested by the giving-up bacteria: my dream to develop UM as one of the sustainable university, which is by creating a medium for people to dispose their E-Waste. After planning for this, if by chance, I am able to collaborate with UMCARES secretariat, I’ll be joining BYEE as well. I want to get connected with more environmentalists and land myself in German man!

3) Always make myself available to help out Citrawarna Za’ba committees. I am not going to let the juniors feel neglected like how I was last time when Jen Han was not around and Haw Man seemed to care more on CC than CZ. I’ll make Pyton as my example. I want to be a good senior to give assistance, be their pillar to lean own and be someone who can offer them great advise but at the same time, providing a platform to train our human capital.

4)   And also NVG, I am not going to give up to prevail NVG. Xiong Yong’s act seriously disappoint me. Despite Wana’s absence, I would be more independent, keep hold my strong faith to maintain NVG in worst come to worst scenario, doing it by myself. Despite all this, I’ll remember that I would still have Grace, Joyce, Yoon Sang, Liang Kit, Jennica, Ying Shin, Chai Hyun, Jax and Rina to hold on. I must remember that I am not alone. I believe I still have great friends who will standby and support me.

5) Lastly, I vow to be more open-minded and please, please to myself, please be more able to accept criticism. Be open-minded and embrace hard words thrown.

Fuh, get pumped up man. #UMCARES #NVG #CZ

I would not stop to make these better. I have about one and a half year in UM and thus, I would like to make more changes before I leave. Hell yea man, I am living like who I am, I would not care how people think that I am a fool.